The Date with Global Warming!


                     ------------------Special Correspondent Greene Peas

        The climate change summit ,the biggest of its kind, one with no precedents (atleast in Scandinavia) just concluded last month.Here is how it could have been.
December 6:

        The Climate Change Summit at Copenhagen with an emphasis on Global warming begins amidst falling temperatures throughout the northern hemisphere. Asked if the summit was a bit early on the calendar, the GWF (Global Warming is a Farce) Chairman Antii Therme said, “Yes,yes….in fact by 2000 years”. Coincidentally this is the largest inflow of people in Denmark in 2000 yrs. Previously Hagar the Horrible had unloaded a couple of stowaways here.

            The official delegates: 15,000 of them have arrived and thanks to 140 private jets and 1200 limos have been tucked into their hotel rooms. But the Danish officials are pulling up their socks for the more important section of the delegates –the protesters hand-picked by the UN to prevent leaders from dying of boredom.

            Meanwhile in India the MMS called for boycotting the summit as the Pilots flying over India did not communicate in Marathi.



December 7:

           The summit began in the right earnest with the clarification of IPCC’s verification of Global warming data. This feat had been accomplished by them by working 10-day weeks for months. Commending their commitment IPCC chief R.K.Pachuari said”…”.His commendation was emailed to this correspondent but somehow found its way into the spam. The correspondent assures that he is working 47 hr days to retrieve it.

           In related news, Noble peace prize winner El-gore launched a scathing attack on bovines as recent studies indicated that their burping and flatulation had made the situation worse. Asked to clarify, Mr.Gore commented ,”…”but this correspondent felt an irrepressible wave of drowsiness and woke up 10 hrs later at a hospital.

December 8:

          In a mass crackdown on protesters for not doing their jobs and lying asleep or drunk on the roads police resorted to spraying water from them. Angry protesters, who were supposed to have been holding a climate conference of their own, lost track thanks to the exquisite Danish hospitality and marijuana made available from nearby Netherlands.
          In other news, DBCWHD (Don’t Blame Cows for What Humans Did!) Chairman said “To blame our farts on global warming is just unfair. Let me try putting Mr. Gore in a paddock and feed him a balanced diet of grass, corn, flax meal, and alfalfa hay, and see if he can hold in a fart.”Adding to this he called for his brethren in Denmark to ”give him a taste of his own medicine”. One shudders to think what he meant.

December 9:

           In a development that could send shocks through the diplomatic circles, Mr.Jairam Ramesh termed that “the talks were in the ICU” and it would take several more conferences to actually warm-up.

           Meanwhile, El-gore retracted his statement made the previous day saying he had been “quoted out of context” and had actually meant that babies’ and not bovines’ burps were responsible for Global warming. He also added that their crawling about aimlessly will generate more energy than hydrogen ever can.

           Meanwhile there is rising resentment in Antarctica over the loss of its ice-cap. Researchers at the Forward Institute of Rocket Sciences said that, ”Our studies have shown that women find iceless continents more attractive and the loss of ice is actually a indication of high virility; there's no shame in losing your ice and Antarctica should recede gracefully.”

           In another startling development, Police were coming under increasing boredom and hence gased the protesters with Aphrodisiacal gas who were already in a “spiritual” state of mind due to heavy ‘medication’. Hundreds of unwashed protesters were left crying like babies and scampered to their “own conference” building located nearby.

December 10:

          In other news babies all over the world protested to Mr.El-gore’s alleged remarks on them being responsible for global warming. Spokesperson for BLB(Babes like Babies)said ”Ga.Ga…go..goo..”.

          Meanwhile due to lack of anything eventful, a host of Hollywood celebs were flown in immediately.
Stars include Arnold Schwarzenneger, Cameron Diaz, Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. Angelina Jolie had gone baby hunting in Africa along-with Madonna and was expected to arrive later in the day.

          Arnold Schwarzenneger expressed his fears about Global warming…his exact words were ”fire,hot,bad”.

December 11:

          Mr.George W.Bush turned up uninvited and announced that he was committed to fighting Global warming and when it was brought to his notice that there were WMDs and/or oil deposits holed up in the sun, he announced an immediate deployment of 20,000 troops followed by massive air-strikes by US Drones on the sun.

          The communist countries headed by Mr.Ego Chauvez, who had maintained an uncharacteristically stoic silence so far, hit out at Capitalist practices like stealing oil from gullible Gulf countries(and the sun) for the acceleration in Global warming. He also added that “the devil was here and it smells of carbon!” very similar to his General Assembly in 2007 speech when he said that the place smelt of sulfur!

          Mr.El Gore retracted his statement on babies causing global warming and instead put the blame squarely on the world’s homeless for polluting the streets and lighting fires during the cold.

December 12:

          An important milestone was achieved today in that all the leaders agreed to have understood the meanings of Carbon-Credit, Carbon-Footprint, and Carbon Trading as clarified by Mr.Jairam Ramesh who said that the talks were still in ‘ICU’ but condition was stable.

          Meanwhile, Mr.El-gore didn’t come under fire as the homeless couldn’t reach a consensus on where to meet ,to quash out a reply. Protests however came from unexpected quarters- gays. The reason Mr.Gore had been heard as saying ‘homos’ instead of ‘homeless’ due to his weird panicky accent. Belton John chief of GLGC (Gays like Gays and Children) said ”the non-inclusion of a gay member into such a global issue was alarming”.

          Communist leaders, who drew flak from several quarters for not supporting the Summit, came up with an interesting idea to convert temperatures from Fahrenheit to Celsius world over for immediate decrease in temperature levels.

December 13:

          As an immediate fallout a New York Carbon Trading Exchange was setup and Mr.El-Gore was already seen trading his Carbon credits for soiled underwear with 3rd world nations. This is seen as a strategic step in curtailing emissions from various ’unnoticed’ sources.

         Today marked a significant step forward in the quest for alternate energy sources as several options were explored. But what truly stole the limelight was Ego Chauvez’s device patented as ‘The Capital Head Banger’. It essentially consists of a Dart board with a sign that reads ’Hate Capitalism? Bang your head here’. The device fascinated many who when tested it generated enough power to power the conference hall for a decade.

          Baba Greendev who turned up in orange tights proposed mass ‘pranayam’ at all centres of pollution to fight the evil ‘global warming’ in addition to homosexuality. A ‘2 in 1’ offer which proved irresistible to several Indian leaders.

           Meanwhile the Danish Govt brokered peace between the protesters and the Police after the Police resorted to drastic measures like rubbing them with sand paper and making them watch El-gore’s documentary on global warming.

December 14:

             Mr.Jairam Ramesh insists that the talks are still in ICU and very little is being done to push it either way.

              In a related development Mr.El-gore was outdoors to search for his carbon footprints in neck deep snow. This comes soon after his decision to float a Carbon Hedge Fund.

             A hasty peace was brokered between the police and the protesters by the Danish govt. as half the country is already “high” thanks to the indiscriminate spraying of ‘weed’ gas. The police were told to keep their sprays and hoses to themselves and the protesters were told to fight amongst themselves.

December 15:

            Today marked a great setback in our search for clean energy sources as ‘Windmills were found to accelerate the earth’s rotation and hence alter clock, tides, winds, currents and the ‘Tonight shows’. Researchers at the Machetes Institute of Technology found that windmills play havoc with pressure(just like rotors on helicopters) and hence accelerate the speed of rotation .

            It seems there is no such thing as a free lunch, scientists are now racing to find another way to power our world. Al Gore, never slow to make a dollar out of a scare is investing in a company developing a promising future power source believed to involve prunes, human waste and rubber bands.

             In seemingly unrelated news, Arundhati Roy releases a passionate 7000 page article on global warming refugees titled…..’Twittering with Tiger’….oops. That’s one more in the bag for Mr.Tiger.

            When congratulated for her work she said it was no mean task done overnight but was a passionate burning in her soul for years.

December 16:

             In what could, follow on the ‘footprints’ of Watergate, Mr.El-gore is part of a large scam where he is accused of selling petroleum for carbon credits to gulf countries thereby inflating the carbon market. This is being termed as ‘Carbongate’ by experts. The Financial Times claims the inflated carbon credit market was down 40% in the first hour, and down 85% before the market was forced to close.

December 17:

          The conference today was marred by chaos as violence took centre-stage at the international Climate Summit in Copenhagen, advocates of global cooling clashed with advocates of solar power, resulting in at least 43 deaths and the hospitalization of 18 others.
          Outside the Climate Summit, members of the Cool It Now Network (CINN) were peaceably carrying placards demanding the erection of an Earth-orbiting 'mirror' that would prevent the Sun's damaging rays from reaching the Earth, thereby putting the brakes on the catastrophic global warming and Mr.El-Gore’s sermons.
         Things were going well, until the Photovoltaic Army (PA) showed up, bearing placards announcing the 'clean green! yellow sun!' aspects of solar power. 'Electricity from Sunshine', said one. Another: 'Sunlight is Bright'.
         When the two groups met on the street, things turned ugly. Amid howls and screams of 'liar', 'cretin', 'energy whore', 'denialist', 'scum', 'freak', and, inexplicably, 'polar bear' and ’communist’ they fell upon each other in an unprecedented event of unsurpassed violence over the environment. The fight raged for several hours cheered on by the Copenhagen public whose life expectancy had decreased by 50 years due to the summit. At one point several leaders also joined in to deal a few blows on each other.

        And when it was eventually broken off several leaders were in a pretty bad shape and it was unclear if the summit would go on. An insider who paid for remaining anonymous said, ”No chance of resuming as several people are convinced that global cooling would be a more relevant issue given the sub-zero temperatures all over the world“.

       “Besides”, he added, “this is a completely win-win situation for the Earth. Al Gore's Climate Trust Fund has investments in both solar power and the mirror project”.

December 18:

       The Copenhagen summit was brought to a hasty end as many of the leaders were missing from yesterday’s fight and several others had gone shopping for nuclear weapons. Some of the notable were:

-The US will cut emissions by 1800% before the next black president is elected which according to experts is not until 3313AD. India and China expressed concerns in their respective languages but were mistaken to be complaining about the weather.

-Baba Greendev’s official weather Almanac co-authored by Mr. El-Gore would hence forth serve as the official and only guide to storms, rains and global warming /global cooling as the case may be.

-The next conference is not scheduled not until cyborgs have been made fully operational as world leaders. These will actually have intellectual capabilities unlike Arnold Schwarzenneger or Mr.El-Gore.

-The next conference will be held at a warmer place like Mallorca/Sahara/The Sun and a 10day opening ceremony/Protest ceremony will be organized separately.

-Online carbon Dating websites will be setup for extremely aged people to find their solemate / soulmate as the case maybe.This way the will be together and their carbon footprint lessened due to lesser activity.

Mr.Jairam Ramesh,one of the few leaders available for comment said that he had all along been referring to his second cousin's ailing great grandmother and confessed to having very little idea of what transpired in the conference.He however admitted to being bowled over by Tiger Woods's charm and charisma.